20.1.11
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22.10.10
Who Am I? where is the
Life is always a challenge to me everytime i step into a new environment. Sometimes even though im in that environment for quite some time, i still feel challenges coming to me. Why do i keep emphasizing on friendship? Because the trust i have in my family has already been erased ever since i was young. No one at home know what is family nor know what is care. I've always been like like a stray kid always hanging outside with friends. Thus, maybe because expectations for family is lower and changes to higher expectations for friends. Reflection is what i always do if i feel something is wrong or i have done somthing wrong. I'm a person who like's to think a lot. But compared to last time, i am not so sensitive now but i still know i am because i am not 100% perfect. I'm able to keep unhappy things inside my heart without telling anyone and i can bear the pain myself. Sometimes putting a smile on my face doesn't mean that im happy. It's just that i didnt want to create the problem and i must bear with it.
This new environment i just could not take the fact that this environment is creating a lot of problems to me. After i step in, thought i will meet all wonderful people, but only half of them are wonderful. I dont feel any sense of belonging at all. Seriously, the sense of belonging means after i step in, i see cliques and cliques of people sticking together and im the odd one out. This feeling has been hanging out for the past 6 months and i beared with it. Now it is to the extend that i cannot take it anymore, im going to explode any sooner. Where is it? Where is the sense of belonging? I know at times i open my mouth nothing good comes out but im just merely joking and hope people will laugh and be happy. And sometimes to the extend i may say something which hurt people. But i do apologize and i reflect on my mistakes but sometimes i will just repeat them again. It's not on purpose and im just having fun with people. If i dont joke with people means i dont even wanna talk to that person or even make friends. i will just keep quiet. Thats why when im always high means im happy, if i dun talk much means im sad or angry.
I really dont know how to face these problems now. I'm in NYPCO and always at time, the feeling keep telling me to leave this place. ITs like "eugene, you dont belong here, leave!" why do i always feel that? i dont really like to outcast people because i know it's not nice. Why do i see these type of people then? I'm really tired, seriously! when can i find the happiness in CO? why?
To me friendship is something not everyone can do it, but i believe i can do it because i've experience alot before. After the Hari Raya incident whereby i went out with nypco peeps instead of my BFF's, i really felt quite down, it felt like i have lost 3 good friends because they ignore me for quite some time already and im really very sad about it. i really want to apologize to them, but im scared.
Friendship is something like if i want a drink but i havent reach the place to buy and i havent tell this friend what i wanna drink and when i reach the place, the drink is bought without telling the person. Its like automatic because i dunnid to know what the person says and i know what he or she wants. this is friendship. People who knows friendship well dont think of themselves more than others. they sacrifice for their loved friends. There's alot about friendship i have to learn and i know i have done some because friendship is all about feelings. I can feel if im part of it or im not. Because feelings always tells me though sometimes being oversensitive can lead to wrong feeling.. That i admit. Saying so much won't make things change either, just feel like giving up but there are people whom are encouraging me now and i really feel the love from these ppl especially tweety bird, been there for me when im sad or happy.. Wonderful..
In conclusion, i am someone who pursue things perfectly because im a perfectionist.
This new environment i just could not take the fact that this environment is creating a lot of problems to me. After i step in, thought i will meet all wonderful people, but only half of them are wonderful. I dont feel any sense of belonging at all. Seriously, the sense of belonging means after i step in, i see cliques and cliques of people sticking together and im the odd one out. This feeling has been hanging out for the past 6 months and i beared with it. Now it is to the extend that i cannot take it anymore, im going to explode any sooner. Where is it? Where is the sense of belonging? I know at times i open my mouth nothing good comes out but im just merely joking and hope people will laugh and be happy. And sometimes to the extend i may say something which hurt people. But i do apologize and i reflect on my mistakes but sometimes i will just repeat them again. It's not on purpose and im just having fun with people. If i dont joke with people means i dont even wanna talk to that person or even make friends. i will just keep quiet. Thats why when im always high means im happy, if i dun talk much means im sad or angry.
I really dont know how to face these problems now. I'm in NYPCO and always at time, the feeling keep telling me to leave this place. ITs like "eugene, you dont belong here, leave!" why do i always feel that? i dont really like to outcast people because i know it's not nice. Why do i see these type of people then? I'm really tired, seriously! when can i find the happiness in CO? why?
To me friendship is something not everyone can do it, but i believe i can do it because i've experience alot before. After the Hari Raya incident whereby i went out with nypco peeps instead of my BFF's, i really felt quite down, it felt like i have lost 3 good friends because they ignore me for quite some time already and im really very sad about it. i really want to apologize to them, but im scared.
Friendship is something like if i want a drink but i havent reach the place to buy and i havent tell this friend what i wanna drink and when i reach the place, the drink is bought without telling the person. Its like automatic because i dunnid to know what the person says and i know what he or she wants. this is friendship. People who knows friendship well dont think of themselves more than others. they sacrifice for their loved friends. There's alot about friendship i have to learn and i know i have done some because friendship is all about feelings. I can feel if im part of it or im not. Because feelings always tells me though sometimes being oversensitive can lead to wrong feeling.. That i admit. Saying so much won't make things change either, just feel like giving up but there are people whom are encouraging me now and i really feel the love from these ppl especially tweety bird, been there for me when im sad or happy.. Wonderful..
In conclusion, i am someone who pursue things perfectly because im a perfectionist.
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